Why call it a toothbrush, is it used for brushing a single tooth?

Women’s fault are many. Guys only have two; everything they say and everything they do.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

Rule #1 during arguments: If you’re losing, start correcting their grammar.

Cousin: Why are you so lazy? Me: I’m not lazy I’m just saving my energy.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

Valentine’s Day Money- Saving Tip: Break Up on Feb 13th, Get back together on the 15th.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

To challenge us, you have to be good. To tie us, you have to be better. To beat us, you HAVE to be kidding!

I love my girlfriend, but my wife doesn’t.

There is only one machine in the casino that will give you money. ATM.

Every time I meet the girl of my dreams someone wakes me up.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted – stay up all night or eat ice- cream straight out of the container.

Duck tape is like the force. It has a dark side, a light side, and keeps the universe together.

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

If Mickey is a mouse, Minnie is a mouse, Donald is a duck, goofy is a dog, then what the heck is going on with Pluto? Is Mickey keeping a mentally handicapped guy as a pet?

On the seventh day God rested. His grandchildren must have been out of town.

I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person who looks good refuses to delete it.

“Username or Password incorrect.” TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A B*TCH.

Had a dream I was awesome woke up…. Still awesome!!!

Remember: you were once the strongest sperm of your dad. =)

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it most…don’t use it.

I’m in shape. Unfortunately, it’s the wrong one.

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.